Oh summer bliss. What a fantastic season. The days are longer, warmer and filled with sunshine. It also allowed my family to slow down the hectic school-year lifestyle we had all grown accustom to. And what a better way to enjoy the sunny summer days than with some baseball?! The Barry M Quinn Memorial Tournament to be exact.
My father put together a team comprised of our whole family, including significant others. You see, Barry was his younger brother. He was an amazing person and he was taken from this earth suddenly the summer before. He had such an impact on the lives of so many that I wrote an article about him. It started as an assignment, but then I pursued publication. So, if you want to know more about a man who changed the lives of countless firefighters across the country, you can read it here http://www.ottawalife.com/2013/07/a-heros-hero/ . It's not often I get the chance to spend time with my family like I did when I was younger. I mean the whole family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, brothers and sisters. I had grown to miss these, now rare, gatherings. You see, every time we get together, it's guaranteed hilarity. And I'll tell you why. First off, we're all Irish and proud, with a little bit of Scottish mixed in there somewhere. We all have a sarcastic streak in us that once mixed with the smart-ass Irish back-talk makes for some conversations best not be repeated in front of the children. Our slightly warped Quinn sense of humour is nothing short of entertaining, even if only to ourselves. Put us all together (especially to play some ball) and it's a given it will be frolicsome, comical and memorable to say the least. And of course they had to play “The Mighty Quinn” every time we took the field. That should go without saying. It's our family anthem. Who cares if it's about an Eskimo?! We laughed and joked and poked fun at each other. We made fools of ourselves and roared with glee about it. Together, we honoured a great man with a great game, good weather and the greatest of company, each other. A weekend of baseball was just what I needed. Some time in the sun with family. Everyone smiling, laughing and having fun. It felt so nice. My daughter enjoying time with her cousins and the activities arranged for all the kids; my partner and I laughing together for the first time in a long time. For the whole weekend, everything was great. For the whole weekend I felt happiness and loved. I kept wishing it would never end. But of course, it did. Good things always come to an end. The older I've gotten, the more I've come to understand better why it just has to. You see for some people once it ends, only then do they grow to appreciate it.
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The end of the second semester and first year of college came as a welcomed relief. It was bitter sweet as the saying goes. I had finally achieved my goal of making it onto the honours list and don’t get me wrong here, I was proud of my accomplishment. But my high expectations and self inflicted pressure had affected more than just myself. I hadn’t taken into account how my personal crusade would affect my family and personal relationships to the extent in which they had. And now that there was some time to breathe, as the dust had time to settle, I began to feel a slight sense of guilt. Was I being a little selfish? No way, that’s crazy. How could it be selfish to want to improve yourself, to educate yourself and to take the necessary steps to better provide for your family and your child? How is it selfish to want a better life and future for you and your family? How could it be selfish to want to be one of the best and graduate with honours? Was it selfish to expect my partner to help out more around the house while I was in school or to have less time with my child because I needed to work nights to get by? Short term pain for long time gain, right? After all, I was doing this for us. I shouldn’t feel bad about going back to school, should I? Then why, on my way to accomplishing something so worthwhile, do I? Hold on. Did I really just question my motives for going back to school? What a stupid question. The worst thing I can do right now is doubt myself. And even worse than that would be to give up. So I won’t. It takes a certain degree of effort to walk through hard times with a bounce in your step and a smile on your face. It’s not always easy to leave your problems at the door. This is a challenge I would face more often than not. Just after Christmas break my daughter started to exhibit troubling behavior at school. She was not listening, sometimes hitting, disrespectful to the teacher and just plain difficult. Some might think it was the effects of full day junior kindergarten and this being her first experience in a classroom. But I knew better. This was a result of what was happening at home and by that I mean the deterioration of my marriage. It was tense, it was negative, it was uncomfortable to say the least and it was definitely no place for a child. And as hard as we tried not to show the failing of our relationship, it was evident to our daughter. The affects of our arguments and negative behavior was displayed by her at school. And the realization of this brought me to tears. This heavy weight, known as guilt, rest upon my shoulders. How could I do this to her? What kind of parent does this to their child? So many questions I could never answer. Love is a crazy stupid thing. We loved each other, but drove each other nuts. In my case, the pressure of doing well at school, keeping up with house work, working part time evenings and full time mom, while doesn’t seem like much on paper, was a lot to handle in life. My patience at home was short. I felt unsupported and left to do it all, to be everything to everyone and knowing it was damn near impossible to accomplish wore me down. Instead of asking for help, instead of voicing my thoughts, I bottled it up. And, after some time and pressure build up, bit by bit, it came out in explosions of emotional turmoil. And although I thought I had control of my own personal situation, I did not. Things were headed to out of control in a big way. Not many around me were aware of the distress of my personal life. I was pretty good at hiding it. Thus, I isolated myself and took on the world alone, which, by the way, I do not recommend to anyone. It felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world and that is the worst feeling. So, no matter how hard your road may be, no matter how difficult the climb, remember this…you are not alone. No one can make it in this world alone, and if you think you can, rest assured, you are wrong. We all need help, we all need support, and we all need someone. And if you feel like you have no one…call me. I’ll be there. Because leaving your problems at the door doesn’t mean pretending they don’t exist. They are real. They are very real. But they are also resolvable. And together, with love and support, we can work things out, we can walk this path and we can make it past the mountain top. And so, I leave you with this quote by Albert Camus because it rings with life saving truth. “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” Not everyone learns at the same pace. This should not surprise anyone. And the best way to learn is by making mistakes. Lord knows, I have made more than my fair share, but that’s not to say I don’t have a great deal yet to learn. Group projects can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. The blessing comes when you leverage each member’s strength and more often than not, their strength differs from yours. The recipe for success is when everyone pours different talents into the bowl, and, when mixed together, they blend. But when a member’s weakness has direct impact on the success of the entire group, it becomes a curse. As Team Leader, my personal struggle is allowing others to make mistakes. It’s tough stepping back and allowing others to make things happen. I would do everything if I could. I would take the reins, take control and just go. Being the only one with previous related experience, I must allow others the opportunity to learn; to be responsible and accountable. I must allow them to make mistakes and give them the opportunity to learn. This is tough. It’s like watching my daughter learn how to print. How easy it would be to do it for her, to guide her hand or have her trace letters. But, in order for her to really learn, she must do it all by herself. I have to step back, observe, encourage, motivate, reassure and praise. So, while the rest are learning to take the reins, I am learning to loosen my grip. So age is definitely just a number. I say this with confidence and I’ll tell you why. One of my classmates, whom I now consider a good friend, is darn near half my age. But, only numerically speaking. Her mind, her attitude, her entire personality reflects that of a much older and wiser soul. She is mature beyond her years. She is smart and funny and humble. She’s modest and innocent. And I think she’s beautiful. I have always appreciated a person who will call a spade a spade. But those whom understand when, where, why and most of all how to call out that spade, are usually well…older. She is an exceptional human being. So much so that I don’t even think my attempted explanation of her has done any justice. Her confidence and bravery to stay true to herself and follow her heart, no matter what others think, no matter what diversity she faces, has inspired me in more ways than I can explain. I look at her and see everything I hope my own daughter will be. A smart woman strong, brave, confident, who follows her heart, no matter what and is kind, thoughtful, funny, and compassionate. How proud her mother must be, and should be. How proud I would be… And I realize even more how important it is for me to be a role model of all these things I wish for my daughter. So, I must always remember to be the women I hope she will become. Those are some pretty big shoes. |
Shauna QuinnNo stranger to taking the road less travelled, I must admit those not so great choices made me who I am and led me to where I am right now, which happens to be exactly where I am supposed to be. Archives
July 2018
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