I've been going through some hard times. No big deal. We all have our struggles, our challenges, our hardships in life. I am no different from the person standing behind me in the checkout line at the grocery store.
I have always been perceived as "strong". People often tell me I am one of the strongest people they know. And so, I tend to be someone that others lean on in times of need. I listen, I console, I try to help where possible. I'm always there to help pick others up when they're down for the count. Now I don't say this to sound arrogant. I am by no means a hero of any nature, nor the proverbial knight in shinning armour. It is simply a role I play in the lives of others...and I've learned to acknowledge and accept it. But the truth is, it's a giant misconception. How can others see me as strong when there are days I can't even pick myself up off my own damn floor? Times when I feel I can't go on, times when I just don't want to be... These dark moments...they're hard. But, these moments too shall pass. Right?! Thing is, because people perceive me as strong, it's hard for me to reach out in my own times of "weakness". I have crawled through difficult times alone and denied others the opportunity to help me stand by lying to their face and telling them all "I'm fine". The reality is, not everyone has "got this" one hundred per cent of the time. It's an impossible expectation. One I've imposed on myself for the majority of my life. But nobody....NOBODY....can make it through this life alone. And I am learning that leaning on others doesn't mean I am weak or not strong enough. It simply means I am human. And I'm ok with being human - I've been called much worse. Not to say those dark times haven't taught me things that I may never have learned otherwise. It is going through those times that have helped me become stronger. I may be broken, I may be damaged, but I am still standing. And sometimes just standing is all you can do. And that too is ok. I've learned a few things along the way that have helped me overcome difficult times....that have helped me get this far. You probably know a few of these already....
My healthy outlet is writing. Shocker...I know. But I write poetry. And so I'll leave you with a recent work in progress... There's a fire burning in my soul It needs not fuel, nor wood, nor coal There's a light that shines from deep inside From which my demons can no longer hide There's a soothing love, I feel it all around It's loud and clear, yet makes no sound There's an infinite beauty in the skies above And through my tears I feel its love There's a strength I have gained from all the pain and sorrow And a grace I give for each new tomorrow
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I’ve hmm’d and haw’d about this post...not sure if I wanted to put it out there. But a friend of mine recently reminded me that victories should be celebrated. And in order to celebrate with you, I have to fill you in on what happened.
So, as vulnerable as this makes me feel, here goes. Approximately two years ago, a benign tumour was discovered in my pituitary gland. But tumour sounds scary, so let’s just call it a growth. Now, most folks think the pituitary gland is located in your throat or neck area. It is not. It’s located in your head and in pretty close proximity to your brain. In actual fact, it’s hanging off your brain, right behind the eyes. Take one finger and place it between your eyes. Now place another finger at your temple and draw two imaginary lines from each finger - where those two lines intersect - THAT is where your pituitary gland is found. You might be wondering now what your pituitary gland actually does. Well, let me tell you. The pituitary gland is a part of your endocrine system. As the “master gland” of the body, its main function is to secrete hormones into your bloodstream, directing certain processes or stimulating other glands to produce other hormones. These hormones can affect other organs and glands, especially your thyroid. Which was a big indicator in my case. Here I was eating right, hitting the gym and somehow I packed on at least 15 pounds. Not cool. There were other symptoms too, like daily headaches and migraines, moodiness, fatigue and a few others pertaining to my girly parts that I won’t go into. But ladies, if you really need more details, drop me a line. Anyways, I thought I might be hitting early menopause. FML. After months of enduring fatigue, headaches and packing on weight like nobody’s business, I finally went to my doctor. A simple blood test revealed that my prolactin levels were through the roof, which in turn indicated a pituitary adenoma - a benign tumour. Not long after, an MRI confirmed what doctors were thinking. There was a definitely a growth. The tests didn’t stop there. I now had to go for a vision test. Sounds weird right? I thought so too at first. And the reason was a tad more intimidating than one would prefer. You see, depending on the location of the growth inside the gland itself coupled with how aggressive it might be, there’s a chance the growth could put pressure behind the eyes causing one to lose their peripheral vision. Fun stuff. Thankfully, this was not the case for me and my vision has not been affected. If we’re keeping score, I think I just earned a point. So how do they treat a pituitary adenoma? In some cases, they may choose to extract the growth surgically either through the nasal passage or from the top of the head. Neither of which sounds appealing in any way, shape or form. But for the most part, medication is used to shrink the growth. This was the route I took. I started taking Cabergoline - which is the same drug given to cancer patients to shrink tumours. And if we look on the bright side, it also somehow qualified me to get the flu shot early. That’s another point for me. Now, I don’t care how big and strong you think you are, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally….when someone tells you there’s a growth in your body, and even more so, near your brain...it affects you. Benign yes. But still some scary shit. Your mind wanders into thoughts you hope to never face and into fears you never knew you had. And whether you want to admit it or not, it changes you. I thought alot about my daughter. I wanted to create memories with her, you know...just in case. I thought alot about my relationships and my own personal happiness. I thought alot about my career and where I wanted it to lead. There was a lot of personal inventory, realizations and changes to come. It was during this time that my contract with Parkinson Canada was not renewed, but ended and I found myself unemployed and on E.I. And it was about this same time that my ten year marriage really started to fall apart and I began to withdraw emotionally. However….this was to be a victorious tale, remember?! So, here it is. My last doctor’s appointment showed positive results. The latest MRI showed no signs of any growth and my bloodwork came back clean with all normal levels. I’m collecting points on both of those facts by the way, don’t even try to stop me. The BIG victory I am celebrating today is this. I just took my final dose of Cabergoline. As cheesy as it is, I can’t even say that without choking up a little. After two long years, it feels like such a huge win for me….and one I really needed at this point in my life. Sure, I’ll have a follow-up in six months, but if you’ve been keeping score like I have, then you know I’m winning. One other thing worth mentioning is that I have walked this journey for the most part on my own, with the support of limited few whom I chose to make aware. Until right now, that is. So remember kids, to be kind. Always. You really never know what battles others are facing. And to those facing battles of your own right now, that no one else knows about, be kind to yourself. The most influential person you’ll talk to all day, is you. You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. So be kind to yourself. And don’t forget to celebrate your victories. Oh hey. It's been a while (yet again) since I've written a post here. Why? Well, because it seems the things I want to do often take a back seat and get put on the back burner. I neglect myself and my personal desires while putting everything and everyone else first. We seem to do that a lot as parents...especially as mothers. We're so busy putting others first that we lose ourselves along the way.
I hate to admit it's a conscience choice. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. Although, it's not always a fully conscience choice. Sometimes it just happens, you know, the day just gets away from me. I have so many things on my to-do list that by the time I get anywhere close to those things further down, you know, those things just for me, I'm drained. Literally, I'm just too damn tired. It happens to the best of us, right?! But why does it keep happening? Or better yet, why do I do this to myself and so often? I'm not sure I have an answer. And honestly, at this point, just identifying the fact that I don't do enough for my own self happiness is more than enough to motivate a personal change. I should be the biggest advocate for my own happiness. A readjustment of priorities seems long overdue. So, that settles it then. Those things way down near the bottom of the list...the ones just for me....those things will be moving up. They won't all make it to the very top but I'll be damned if some don't make it into the top ten. And why not?! I'm totally worth it. I should be higher up on my own freaking list. And so should you. What I'm getting at here is it shouldn't be so difficult to do those things that make your heart happy or give your soul a lift. Life is short - eat the cake, drink the wine, kiss the girl. Be your biggest advocate for your own happiness. So, let me be the first to take my own advice - to pull my wants and desires from the back burner to the forefront. To put myself higher up on my own dang list. I won't stop giving or doing for others. I'll just not give so much that I lose myself along the way. Because putting yourself first isn't selfish. It's necessary. Let's talk about failures. Why? Because....they suck.
Inevitably, they come in all shapes and sizes in all stages of life. Some can be extremely hard to swallow, while others not so much. And, having to admit we were wrong isn't easy. I hate doing it sometimes. But I have to. And so do you. With practice it gets easier. Or so they say. I'm still waiting for that day... And yet, failures are so so important because they act as our stepping stones to becoming a better person. They promote self development and inventory, among other things. No one is perfect, we all know this. I, myself, am the epitome of imperfection. Perhaps I am perfectly imperfect. And I'm ok with that. It doesn't make me a bad person. Just human. Same goes with you. It's what we take away, what we learn from those mistakes that matters. Some life lessons are obvious - look both ways before crossing the street, please and thank you goes a long way. Some are not so glaring - take parenting for example, we often don't realize our "failures" until much after the fact. Oh the glory in finding purpose and reason in everything! Let's not... I think what I'm trying to get at here is accept yourself and all your failures. No one walks on the first attempt. We take baby steps. We fall down, but we get back up. And because we didn't accept defeat, eventually we're able to pick up the pace and run. We're all imperfect. So fall down, have failures, make mistakes. But learn. And be kind to one another amidst our failures. *Spoiler alert* Life is not easy. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Life is hard. Just don't give up. Wow, has it ever been a long time...
To those who actually follow this blog, my apologies (sorry mom), but life gets busy sometimes and I'm sure we've all drop the ball at some point. If you haven't, just wait, your time will come (insert winky face here). Blessed are those with days so full that when dinner time rolls around, you just can't believe it. Otherwise, you may end up like me, sitting here at 9:53 am on a Thursday morning asking yourself: now what?! Oh right, I've got this blog.... When I started, I imagined a place to jot down ramblings and scribbling's of my life as it unfolded, which I seemed to have lost along the way, or more so, forgotten. And while I've deterred from many paths in life, this one I will get back on. There is just too much happening in the world around us to not acknowledge it. So as I sit and ponder, I will write, scribble, and sometimes ramble. And if by chance our thoughts align, join the conversation and share yours. Sharing is caring, after all, or so they say...except when it comes to your cold. Please keep that to yourself ;) In the meantime, as I gather some thoughts and put pen to paper a little more often...until then, my friends...ramble on. |
Shauna QuinnNo stranger to taking the road less travelled, I must admit those not so great choices made me who I am and led me to where I am right now, which happens to be exactly where I am supposed to be. Archives
July 2018
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