It takes a certain degree of effort to walk through hard times with a bounce in your step and a smile on your face. It’s not always easy to leave your problems at the door. This is a challenge I would face more often than not. Just after Christmas break my daughter started to exhibit troubling behavior at school. She was not listening, sometimes hitting, disrespectful to the teacher and just plain difficult. Some might think it was the effects of full day junior kindergarten and this being her first experience in a classroom. But I knew better. This was a result of what was happening at home and by that I mean the deterioration of my marriage. It was tense, it was negative, it was uncomfortable to say the least and it was definitely no place for a child. And as hard as we tried not to show the failing of our relationship, it was evident to our daughter. The affects of our arguments and negative behavior was displayed by her at school. And the realization of this brought me to tears. This heavy weight, known as guilt, rest upon my shoulders. How could I do this to her? What kind of parent does this to their child? So many questions I could never answer. Love is a crazy stupid thing. We loved each other, but drove each other nuts. In my case, the pressure of doing well at school, keeping up with house work, working part time evenings and full time mom, while doesn’t seem like much on paper, was a lot to handle in life. My patience at home was short. I felt unsupported and left to do it all, to be everything to everyone and knowing it was damn near impossible to accomplish wore me down. Instead of asking for help, instead of voicing my thoughts, I bottled it up. And, after some time and pressure build up, bit by bit, it came out in explosions of emotional turmoil. And although I thought I had control of my own personal situation, I did not. Things were headed to out of control in a big way. Not many around me were aware of the distress of my personal life. I was pretty good at hiding it. Thus, I isolated myself and took on the world alone, which, by the way, I do not recommend to anyone. It felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world and that is the worst feeling. So, no matter how hard your road may be, no matter how difficult the climb, remember this…you are not alone. No one can make it in this world alone, and if you think you can, rest assured, you are wrong. We all need help, we all need support, and we all need someone. And if you feel like you have no one…call me. I’ll be there. Because leaving your problems at the door doesn’t mean pretending they don’t exist. They are real. They are very real. But they are also resolvable. And together, with love and support, we can work things out, we can walk this path and we can make it past the mountain top. And so, I leave you with this quote by Albert Camus because it rings with life saving truth. “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
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Shauna QuinnNo stranger to taking the road less travelled, I must admit those not so great choices made me who I am and led me to where I am right now, which happens to be exactly where I am supposed to be. Archives
July 2018
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